erika schmerika

- i can't fall asleep at night, but once i finally do, i sleep like a rock.  and then i can't get out of bed the next morning.  getting out of bed in the morning has become nearly impossible.

- i've lost 8 pounds.

- before chuck passed away, i was becoming more and more spiritual and connected to god.  ever since chuck has been gone, i haven't been able to pray.  i'm not mad at god, i just don't want to talk to him right now.

- STOP ASKING ME IF I AM OKAY.  THE ANSWER IS NO.

- i've been smoking like a freaking chimney.

- i can't cry.

this is where i'm at at this point in time.  i've been doing a lot of writing, but not here, mostly in my journal.  mostly letters to chuck.  dear god, i miss him so. 

i had recently gone back through a lot of my posts and made them for my eyes only.  i realized that not many people were reading the vox, and i wasn't sure i wanted to air all of my dirty laundry out for everyone.  i've had a change of heart.  with recent events, i'm going to need a place to let everything out, whether people read it or not, so if you see a few posts that you may have not read before... that's because i was being a sneak and hiding them from you.  sorry.

for those of you who haven't read on my dear friends and "family"'s pages, i lost my boyfriend to a terrible accident on May 18th, 2008.  he was an absolute amazing person with a heart of gold, and he was my entire life.  we were to be married next year, and we focused every bit of our energy into our future and our survival as a couple and a family.  it's basically devastating.  i don't really know how else to describe it.  everyone keeps asking me how i am, and i don't know what to tell them.  i don't feel much, i don't cry much... i can't say that i'm 'sad', because i have my faith to lean on and i know that god has taken chuck for a reason.  more like heartbroken, which is a different feeling entirely from sad.  sometimes i feel dead inside, sometimes i feel sad, sometimes i can just laugh until i cry thinking about him.

but for whatever reason, god wanted me to be alone right now.  although devastated and heartbroken, i'm going to do my best to use this time to improve myself on an individual basis.  i am a completely different person.  i don't feel a thing like the person i was before all of this happened.

i have so much more to say, but i'm not really sure how to put it in words... i just wanted to open this back up so that i would have a place to come and let it out when i need to.

this is going to be the toughest thing i've gone through in my life so far.  if you pray, please pray for me, i'll need as many of them as i can get.  if you don't pray, just send positive thoughts in my direction.  i'm convinced that all of the positive thoughts and prayers are the only reason i've been able to sleep at night.

and to chuck of course! here are the beautiful flowers i received at work. i'm a lucky girl! 2 years of dating/cohabitating and i'm so very happy.

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dear prince,

hi sexy!  i heart you!  you make me happy when i have to clean, because i hate cleaning, but i then i turn on "lets go crazy" and bop around the house, happily dusting away.  in conclusion, i heart you.  (yes, i know i already said that, but i'm repeating for emphasis.)

hugs and dust bunnies,

erika

for the past three weeks i have been facing one of my greatest fears: academic writing.

see, i have this problem.  i'm a perfectionist, but not in a good way.  i'm a perfectionist to the point where it sometimes cripples my ability to do things for fear of failure.  i.e., and this is a very mild example, if i can't clean the whole bathroom in one shot, i won't clean it at all, until i have time to do it all and have everything look perfect all at once.  just a little bit doesn't do it for me.  i need the whole room to be absolutely perfect before i can be finished.

this is why i love math.  i'm good at it, and it's definate.  when i'm done with a math problem, i am done with it.  no reanalyzing, no refiguring.  done.  i can move on.

which is why i'm terrified of academic writing.  this perfectionist attitude requires me to be overly critical of what i've written and rewrite it and beat myself up for not being able to say the things i want to in the best way.  it also requires me to do the whole paper at one sitting, because it has to be done.  i have to have it all done before i can move on.

so writing and editing an academic paper has been a learning experience for me.  not only am i learning the different styles of writing and about rhetorical stance, i'm also learning how to tear myself away from something long enough to come back to it with a fresh perspective.  i'm learning to curb my tendency to procrastinate because i don't have enough time to get it done all in one shot.

the key to this is applying it to my everyday life.  to quote the movie what about bob?... baby steps.

but the fact that i'm taking steps at all is something i can definately be proud of.

i'm still alive, in case you were concerned.

i haven't been updating.  i've thought about updating, but then i never maintained the mental capacity needed to write a legitimate post.  work has been exhausting.  school has been exhausting.  my home life has been exhausting.  it's amazing that i have the energy to do anything, really.

BUT... i just finished my first semester of college.  and i have 3 weeks of freedom.  wahoo!

so expect more updates in the near future.

for the time being, i will leave you with pictures of my new short haircut:

i am quite fabulous if i do say so myself!

What's on your holiday wishlist?

diamonds

a standing mixer

a chest freezer

the pirates trilogy

the bourne trilogy

harry potter 5

$$$

some much needed rest and relaxation

What are your Major League Baseball playoff predictions?

i predict i won't have time to watch them, as i don't have time to watch anything on tv anymore.  add to this list all of the steelers games so far this year and grey's anatomy.  i fail at being a fan.

before i have to put on 'real' clothes and step back out into the world to go to class.

yesterday was a waste.  but only because saturday night was the greatest amount of fun i have ever had in a single night.  my friend stacey is getting married this coming weekend, and i am the maid of honor.  she made it way easy on me. 

list of duties:

1 - buy dress

2 - witness vows

3 - throw her a kickass bachelorette party

words cannot even express the amount of fun we had.  my back is destroyed.  apparently i was headbanging, and i think the gold stilleto heels didn't help much.  stacey thought she was still hungover this morning.  kim is doing okay, but that's only because she switched to beer.  she didn't find it necessary to share her little tip with us.  bitch.  jk, i probably would have been like "OH HAHAH NO" anyway, and continued drinking captain and cokes.  me and the captain make it happen.  or is it the captain and i?  i am not concerned.

want to see pictures?  sure you do!

one of the highlights of my night...

stacey is sad because she's hungover and i made her wear a bow hat

fantastic!

i'm not legitimately sick.  honestly, i did wake up with a headache, but it dissipated quickly once i was medicated properly.

i should say, that actually, i am sick.  i'm sick of being an overachiever.  i'm sick of constantly go-go-go-going until i absolutely can't and then collapsing in bed every night, hoping to sleep, but not actually being able to sleep.  i'm especially sick of waking up the next morning and doing it all over again.  i wanted one morning where i could catch up on my rest, my e-mail correspondence with friends, enjoy my breakfast, make my bed, even update my vox.  but mostly i just wanted to sit around in my underwear and a steelers t-shirt.

now that this is done, i can go into work and be happy, knowing that the last 24 hours of my life were not filled with things i had to do... i had 4 hours to myself where i could do what i wanted to do.

since there's been an obvious lack of posting lately, let me update you:

- i've been working at a branch an hour away from my house for the past 2 weeks for the conversion... making a non-greatest bank ever branch into a greatest bank ever branch.  i love my job, but the people at this branch don't seem to think the greatest bank ever is the greatest bank ever... in short, they're very opposed to change and my job has been extremely difficult.

- i'm turning into a borderline alcoholic.  i have drank every day for the past month.  not heavily.  it's stress related.  i have at least one every night when i get home from work.  and at least one before i start my homework every night to relax me so i can focus.  and maybe a few after that, depending on how it's going.  i even drank a beer last night before my class.  this worries me.  i must be stopped.

- i am an exemplary student.  4.0 grade point average and all.  gold stars all around.  yay erika!

this is all i can think of at the moment... chuck and i did take a nice outing to the baltimore harbor last weekend, i will have to post pictures soon.